Tuesday Thoughts: Week Three

Welcome back my curious pussy cat. I figured you weren’t here for the riveting story telling but then again I’m just hoping you might be. Be warned that you entered this mind at your own volition knowing that the permanent fixtures cannot be changed. This week the though of time has been plaguing my mind so vividly. I guess in a way I’ve always known that all we have is this present moment, but I think it really sank into my soul from it’s permanent exhibit at the back of my mind, and I don’t think I’ve fully recovered if we’re being honest. Because if I think about it too hard I might just loose this idea of forgiveness and I’ll meet myself outside ready to throw hands.

It all started with the realization that maybe I’ve been in Austin for almost a decade next year, and when I was moving to this city I thought to myself that it’d be a great time to start a YouTube channel but I never did and if it’s been a year and my mind is still thinking there’s a tomorrow but time has escaped me and things have changed but I haven’t achieved all that I could’ve if I’d just allowed myself to show up fully with the willingness to fail then maybe I’d be light years from where I am now. Maybe it’s a blessing to be tormented by your own choices, a kind of fuel to progress, something that will move you even an inch closer to the illusory and delusional dreams that were given to you and only you.

Maybe I can excuse it all, as I was healing, but just maybe, if we’re being honest I’ve let life drift me to any direction it has been willing to take me, and while I’ve quite enjoyed to journey, the control freak in me is desperate to direct course. Who knows maybe I have this whole thing all wrong. Maybe life is the ocean that carries us through the current of life, but we’re the captain of the ship.

If course correct I must, then terrified I did it, and boy am I proud of myself. On Sunday I got the flyer invitations to my show printed and forced myself to go hand them out downtown and not allow myself to leave until I’ve had at least twenty five rejections because being told twenty four times no was far too easy right? Truth is I got four rejections before I went home that day and I keep beating myself up for not being strong enough to endure longer even with the reduced number of people.

The fight against me vs me was so real! I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest begging me to go home, to not approach another person, and the other part of me that is fighting so hard to have her chance, her day in the sun, to show up without the fear to be seen kept reminding me that everything is a reflection of my internal world. One deep breath in, and I’d dare approach the next person, all the time reminding myself I wasn’t pushing religion down people’s throats, but hello religious trauma. So maybe the strives are insignificant to the naked eye, but I’m moving mountains by showing up. I’m healing in more ways than one, but boy is it also testing every part of me.

This entrepreneurship journey is testing every part of me because there are aspects I thought I had healed, but it’s not until you’re tested that perhaps there may be a testimony. I have to be able to do it though. I just must! I want to be able to talk my ish and eat it too, if you know what I mean. I always said I felt like I had no energy left after a day at my job to invest into my stuff, so where is it all? What do I have to show for time I’ve had not within the confines of beige walls surrounding me for eight hours daily. Everyday is a fight of me against me and I’ve never realized how stubborn I can be, not that it’s a bad thing, I just need to learn to harness it for the better. Do More! Email people more! Promote more! Do it all! Do it NOW!! Gahhhhhhhhhh, I might be starting to understand the perils of becoming your own boss and it’s still to be determined if I’ve made a tremendous mistake. Bahahahahah, cheers to doing a lot badly today before we’re paralyzed by our own indecision.

Love,

Alvarado