Tuesday Thoughts: Beginning of Month Two

Today officially marks the beginning of the second month of when I started this series of letting people into the most intimate thoughts of failing my way through running a business. I mean I figured odds are nobody’s actually reading this…so. While I’d love to say I was wildly successful and blew up as an overnight sensation, that has always been my biggest fear. That maybe one day I might blow up and I won’t have the systems in place to handle the success and I’ll end up fumbling the bag. Let me stop there because I feel there’s a lot to unpack there and subconscious mental work that I need to do to fix that is something I just don’t have space for in this page for.

Every day feels like a battle between me and myself because I’m still developing discipline and I’m praying it comes in faster. I’m aching to meet the version of me that I’m dying to see in the mirror. At times I feel so close and then there’s day where I don’t know what I’m doing. Fear not, that’s not what scares me because years in corporate america has made me realize it’s a front game about pretending to know what you’re doing and networking. I don’t know why I still have a fear of being seen. Totally unfounded of course because everyone in my life is so loving and supportive and has done nothing but show up for me long before my work was where it is now. I pray one day I wake up with the knowing, no reminder needed, just a knowing that I am indeed that ish, because I truly am, but I need to do more, smarter, and faster.

Each day I’m tracking weather I did something slightly more than yesterday in any area. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like I’m doing enough, and I fear I may have signed up to do this 24/7/365 because all I can think about is ideas about businesses I should be working on as well like maybe a lawn care company, and a vending machine company for passive income. I swear we have all the time in the world and none at the same time.

I’ve been debating going to Leon Mexico before my show which is coming up September 14 and is causing me enough anxiety to go into a full panic attack. Can you imagine putting your collection for the world to be and it’s just so-so. Noooooo! That’s the thing though, being an artist of any kind, a creative in any capacity, comes with critique and I have to be okay with that and still love my pieces so much that others buy into it too. I feel like travel always restores my soul when I most need it, that I know. The exhaustion of every micro choice is just too much but if at the least I showed up today, apparently that’s like half the battle, or so they say.

Love,

Alvarado